You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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