I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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