his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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