My first STD was from a foam party
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
