I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
