you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize