I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize