I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
