matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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