i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
