Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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