Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i will never coherently bang her
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
