all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
