i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
