They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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