I just cut my nipple shaving
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize