i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
