I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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