and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
