I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
