i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
