Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
