I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
