I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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