If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
