So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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