Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
