What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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