I just made out with a guy for $7.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
