Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
