***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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