Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
