I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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