I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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