I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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