I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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