I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
All the doctor said was why
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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