someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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