Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
