You can't special order awesome
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
