Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
