Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize