I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize