Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
