i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
