if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
