I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
