if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
