Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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