Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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