whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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