Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
