too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
