I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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