he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
