It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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