i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
