And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
