come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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