god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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