A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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