How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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